An Example of how to guide children in conflict Resolution:Helping Children Talk It Out

Me: What's the problem?

Kaitlin: (sobbing) Tasha won't play with me!

Me: So, you're upset that Tasha won't play with you. Does Tasha know you want to play with her?

Kaitlin: (sniffing) Yes. I asked her this morning and she said yes. And now she's playing with Jennifer.

Me: Oh, so Tasha agreed to play with you, and instead she's playing with Jennifer. How are you feeling?

Kaitlin: Mad.

Me: Would you like to Talk It Out with Tasha?

Kaitlin: Yah. But she probably won't.

Me: I'll talk to Tasha about that. Are you ready to Talk It Out now or do you need more time to cool off?

Kaitlin: I think I'm ready. (Sniff.)

Kaitlin waits while I approach Tasha and motion for her to come join us.

Me: Kaitlin wants to Talk It Out with you.

Tasha and I join Kaitlin, and we stand facing one another.

Me: Kaitlin, tell us what happened.

Kaitlin: Tasha promised to play with me, and then she went off with Jennifer.

Me: So you asked Tasha to play, she said yes, and then she played with someone else.

Kaitlin: Yeah

Me: Can you tell Tasha how you feel? Start with I. Say, "Tasha, I . . . "

Kaitlin: (turning to Tasha) Tasha, I feel mad when you won't play with me.

Me: Thanks, Kaitlin. Now, Tasha, it's your turn. What happened?

Tasha: Well, Jennifer asked me first so I had to play with her.

Me: So Jennifer asked you to play before Kaitlin.

Tasha: Yeah. Jennifer asked me yesterday.

Me: Let's see if I understand. Jennifer asked you yesterday, Kaitlin asked you today, and you said yes to both girls. How are you feeling right now?

Tasha: Kind of bad. Cuz I don't want Kaitlin to be mad at me.

Me: So it's important that you stay friends with Kaitlin. Well, when Kaitlin asked you to play this morning, did you want to play with her?

Tasha: Yah.

Me: Would you tell her that?

Tasha: (to Kaitlin) I really did want to play with you, Kaitlin. It's just that Jennifer asked me first.

Me: (to both) So, it sounds like you both need a chance to play together, is that right? (Both nod, then I address them together.)

Let's see if you can think of four ways you can get together and play. Who has an idea?

Tasha: I could play with Kaitlin tomorrow.

Kaitlin: No! I want to play today!

Me: Kaitlin, remember the rules of brainstorming? First we come up with lots of ideas. Then, in the next step we'll find out how you feel about the ideas. Okay. Tasha and Kaitlin play tomorrow. That's one idea. (I hold up one finger and continue keeping track as more ideas are named.) Who has another idea?

Kaitlin: We could play next recess.

Me: That's two ideas. What's another way you can get together and play?

Tasha: We could play after school.

Kaitlin: We could do Children's Choice time together.

Me: All right, that's four ideas. Any others? (No response.) Now, which idea do you both like?

Kaitlin: Playing next recess.

Me: Does that idea work for you, Tasha?

Tasha: Well, Jennifer and I were going to finish playing then.

Kaitlin: Can I play too?

Tasha: Okay.

Me: So you both like the idea that Kaitlin joins Tasha and Jennifer when they play next recess. For that idea to work, what needs to happen first?

Tasha: I have to tell Jennifer.

Me: Any ideas about what three girls can play?

Kaitlin: We could play jump rope.

Tasha: Okay.

Me: What if Jennifer says she wants to play with Tasha by herself?

Tasha: Then I could play with Kaitlin tomorrow.

Kaitlin: During the long recess.

Me: So, the plan is that Tasha will check with Jennifer and see if she'll play jump rope with Kaitlin next recess. And if that doesn't work, Tasha will play with Kaitlin during lunch recess tomorrow. Is the problem solved?

Both: Yeah.

Me: Congratulations! You worked hard to find a solution.