Message:


1. Time Out to Calm Down

Take time to calm down and think about what is lost if the conflict (fighting, arguing, etc.) continues. Time to approach the other person and ask for a chance to settle this peacefully. What common bonds will remain strained in the classroom, school, neighborhood, etc. until the problem is handled?


2. Send an "I" Message
Speak Personal Needs. Most people accept as truth what we say about ourselves, but can easily argue statements about their actions or motives. Speaking in terms of our own needs is much better than pointing out faults in another person’s actions. Try to say, "I need ...", or "I feel ..."without using the word "you."

3. Listen Actively
When we listen so that we can repeat back to the speaker in our own words, we are evaluating, analyzing, condensing and understanding the other person’s message. When we listen actively, we have a better opportunity to gain that person’s viewpoint. If we actually repeat back these ideas for the other person to hear our understanding, we build up trust in them of our own sincerity in resolving the problem. Body language also communicates our desire to listen (or not.) Listening actively is a skill that will save us many problems in life.


4. Both Sides Accept Responsibility
It takes two to argue. An active listener, notices and accepts responsibility for how their actions contributed to creating the misunderstanding. Both sides need to reach this conclusion for their own activities. It is more difficult to reach a peaceful conclusion when either of the two people continues to only point out the problems of the other. If one side or the other refuses to accept responsibility, consider mediation as an alternative.

5. Brainstorm Possibilities
Once you get this far, begin listing alternatives that allow one side or the other (or both) to feel that their needs are being met. While brainstorming, it is important to list each suggestion, avoiding judgmental comments. This encourages those involved to feel free to suggest another idea. After an agreed amount of time, the full list can be prioritized, and two or three ideas may be combined into a compromise that both sides can accept.


6. Agree to Live by the Results
Getting to an idea that "could" work is most of the process, but being able to live by this idea is a demonstration of maturity. This is how Peace is truly won, and enemies are allowed to become friends.